Sunday, November 2, 2014

"My mom loved valium and lots of drugs, And that's why I am like I am, cause I'm like her." ~ Eminem

        It's been over a year since I've updated this blog. I've been concentrating on my 365 Day Challenge blog, and other projects I've been working on. But this is my venting blog. This is where I go to write about my life and the people in my life and events that happen and affect my life.

        I have been with my fiance for 3 years, 6 months, 13 days. There have been times when I've felt like I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, and times when I felt like I had no place being with him, and we were so wrong for each other that I struggled with idea of staying with him forever. So much that I believe me losing my disability benefits is not the only reason why I haven't married him  yet...

        I struggle with it, on what feels like a daily basis. Some days I am madly in love with him, and so happy to be with him, I feel like nothing else in the world could ever make me happier... and then I have days like today... and last Thursday, and the previous Tuesday.

        People keep telling me to stop drinking the poison. But in order for me to do that, I'd have to leave Matt. And, I gotta be honest here, guys, I have no where to go. And there are days when I feel like the only reason I am still here is because I have no where to go.
       I passed on the HUD subsidy I was offered last spring because we were together and things were good. And because I live in a county where there are more people than financial resources, I can never apply for it again. I was on the waiting list for 6 years, and now, they are no longer accepting applications.

        Being a "stepmom" is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Because he is not my son. And I don't mean for that to sound cold, because I do care about my fiance's son very very much, but he is not my son. My son comes first, always and forever. And there are times when I feel like I have to put my kid on the back burner because I have to stop everything I'm doing and become super stepmom because this poor kids mother has a traumatic brain injury, and doesn't know the difference between right and wrong.

        She doesn't have judgement. She has the memory of Dory from Finding Nemo, and I'm not joking about that. The woman cannot remember anything. She forgets what day it is and how to open doors. She has a history of crack use and neglect charges and more recently CPS charges, and her two little kids are so completely out of control, I am surprised her daughter hasn't gotten kicked out of kindergarten yet. She has a bipolar type disorder and her cognitive functioning is that of a seventeen year old. But the courts don't care if she is brain dead. She could probably still be smoking crack now, and they'd still let her keep the kids. Mothers, no matter how unstable, always win. It's just the way it is in NYS...

        It isn't my job to worry about other peoples kids. It's my job to worry about and take care of my own. But ever since my fiance and I have gotten together, it has become my job. If his ex were a normal person, none of this would be a problem. But she's not, and it's not a normal situation, and I don't know if I can do this anymore.

       And the worst part about all of this is that the company my fiance works for is planning on expanding out west, to Arizona or Utah or Nevada, and he wants to go. He's told people at work he wants to go, and while I am very, very intrigued and tempted by the idea of just up and moving and starting over, I am not in anyway okay with him just leaving his son behind, because that's what's going to end up happening. He's going to leave him with her, and only see him in the summer, and his son will grow up to be a drug dealer/addict and for some completely bizarre reason, my fiance seems to be totally okay with this.

       And there is no way in fucking hell I am leaving my kid. I would never leave my son. Not until he is grown and on his own and ready to be an adult, I would never leave my son. Not ever. I love him way too much to do that, and it pisses me off so fucking much that he's so ready to just up and leave him, especially with someone so incompetent.

       And I don't think I can be with a man who would do that to his only child.

       Maybe it's different because I am a mom and he's a dad, and we have different forms of bonding... all I know is, I don't think I can do this anymore.

       I don't want to be a stepmom anymore, especially to an eleven year old kid with the emotional mentality of a six year old. I don't want to have this anxiety all the fucking time. I don't want to worry and never know what's going on because the woman forgets everything you tell her within five minutes of the conversation.

       I want this all to be over...

       I have to figure out how to walk away, where to go, what to do, because I seriously cannot take this anymore.

       I need a new life...

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