Monday, August 12, 2013

“Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it go at that.”

I consider myself to be pretty lucky in the soon-to-be Husband department (he has a job!!).  He is generous and affectionate, and loving.  And he allows me full control of all of the finances.  Which is great because he's not very good at paying bills on time, or at all, and I am better at money management.  (not a pro by far, but still at least I know our electric won't be shut off and we won't be evicted.)

But there are always going to be some problems in relationships.  I've heard that the number one thing couples argue about is money.  My fiance and I have NEVER argued about money.  EVER. And that is because I have a system that works wonderfully and helps us make sure we have enough to pay everything on time.

Fiance is the one who "brings home the bacon".  I am currently disabled and receive SSI benefits that is basically enough to cover rent and a few small things, most of which I use on my son for things he needs.  The thing that frustrates me is that because he works outside of the home, he seems to think I don't work, just because I work AT HOME.

I do 99% of the cooking, besides pancakes and eggs in a hole.  I do 99% of the dishes, laundry, and typical house work.  I don't need to live in a palace, but my house is for the most part pretty damn clean.  The ONLY thing he does he do the cat box, and take out the trash 90% of the time.

AND I DON'T EXPECT HIM TO DO THAT MUCH MORE.

Yesterday we got home from our friends wedding and he left for work.  Before my son got home, I decided to clean and rearrange,  I pulled out my desk into the living room so I have a REAL work space now, and moved a book shelf into the bedroom and trashed the old DVD shelf that was falling apart. I cleaned the house, 98%.  Ya wanna know what he noticed when he got home??

There was food in the sink that was going down the drain that I didn't see after I DID ALL THE DISHES, because there were suds from the soap and I didn't go back to look after I'd done them.
OUT OF EVERYTHING I HAD DONE, HE NOTICES THE ONE FUCKING THING I MISSED AND WENT OFF ON ME FOR IT. I'm so sick and tired of always getting yelled at for the few things I miss, and never fucking appreciated for ALL THE REST I DO!!!

I am NOT perfect.  I can be lazy.  But I am also sick, and there is only so much I can deal with before the urges come back.  The past few months have not been easy on me, emotionally and mentally.  The urge to hurt someone else or myself has been so strong, and I try so hard to be strong.  I don't think I could ever hurt another person no matter how much they might deserve it, but sometimes the only way I can get through certain things is by digging my finger nails so hard and so deep into my skin, but not enough where anyone could notice.  I've done it so may times and no one noticed. Sometimes outer pain is the only thing that gets rid of all the anger rising in my chest, that wants to slash someones throat or choke the life out of them... Could I ever actually do it? No.  I love my son far too much to end up in jail.  The worst thing that could happen by me hurting myself is I'll end up back in the psych ward, which in all honestly is probably the best for me right now, but I can't leave my son, and I can't leave my fiance alone to fend for himself.  He'd starve without me....

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