Friday, June 7, 2013

"I promise you my friend, I see you in my stars, Self-proclaimed philosophers, Whoa, that's what we are."

      Today, I had a plan to go visit my best friend who lives 150 miles away from me.  My son's paternal grandfather works up here and but lives in the same city as her.  Every weekend he goes home, and every other weekend he brings my son with him to visit his father and other family there.  I had asked if I could ride along so I could spend the weekend with my Katie, and her daughter for her birthday.

      However, everything came to a halt when a tragedy hit in my son's grandfather's family last weekend, and even though I felt horrible for their loss, I was confused on whether or not this weekend was still on, because I assumed (bad bad bad) that the funeral would be this weekend.  I haven't been so many in my life *knock on wood* but I thought they generally weren't that much longer after the death of the person.  So, I had made back up plans just in case I wasn't able to ride down with them because they were attending the funeral.

      My fiance said he would drive us all down Saturday so I could see Katie and her daughter.  It would have been all four of us, since I didn't know if they were still taking my son.

      Then a few days ago, I found out that the funeral isn't until next weekend so I could still ride down with them.  When I told my fiance about this, he got upset and I didn't understand why.  I had explained to that him it was only a back up plan and that I haven't seen my best friend in two years and really needed some girl time.  He didn't understand that.

      I don't think men ever really understand that sometimes, a woman needs time to herself, or time with her girlfriends. Everyone needs time with friends, once in a while.  If he never needed time with his best friend, I wouldn't argue with him or make him feel bad about it.  He is allowed to do his own thing and be his own person.  Katie is one of two(?) people in the entire world who completely understands me.  My fiance doesn't even understand me, so much to the point where I question our entire relationship and wonder if I should marry him... But I do love him, and I don't want to start all over.

      So, after all that, I didn't want him to be upset with me, so yesterday I explained to my son's grandfather that my fiance wanted to come too, so we were just going to drive down for the day on Saturday.  And even though I am so depressed and anxious and have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen, and all I want to do is cry because I was supposed to be with my friend tonight, away from my fiance, away from the boys, just having a complete girls weekend, I am still happy that I at least to see her tomorrow.  I don't know why I feel so anxious about this.  I'm afraid they won't get along because Katie is very "hippy" (not much different from me) and the last time they met, which was literally for 20 minutes at a Subway when we drove through the city and we met her for lunch, he made a remark about how he was surprised I was friends with "someone like her", and I still have no idea what he meant by that.  He doesn't like any of my friends.  All of them are fake, according to him.  It's making it really hard for me to actually have any friends... I have this uncontrollable fear that he is going to ruin this entire weekend for me and I swear if that happens, I'm done.  I'll fucking move into a cardboard box for all I care... I refuse to let him ruin this weekend for me.

      He says he's worried because of her husband... But he doesn't know the whole story and has no right to judge him because everyone is different, and whether be believes it or not, people can change.  Maybe people who have permanent brain damage can't, but regular people with normal brain functioning can.

      I already told him I'm going to need a few hours with just me and Katie, so I don't know what he's going to do with his son.  I'm not trying to ditch him, but her husband is working all day (which is probably a good thing) and we just want some girl time.

      I just feel like he ruined this entire weekend for me by making me feel guilty because I preferred to go without him.  

      There is a fine line between being needed by someone, and being completely dependent on them.

      I need my own freaking car, so I can just go by myself and not have to worry about anything or anyone else.  But I don't know how to get a car... I can't afford one on my income, but I can't get a job if I don't have a car, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

      I just want to see my friend ...

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