Tuesday, April 30, 2013

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made."

        This past weekend, we had both of the kids.  My son, who lives with us full time, and my fiance's son, who visits every other weekend.  The kids get along very well, but they do have arguments just as all kids do; it's become more of a sibling rivalry now a days. I know my son is starting to see Nolan* (changed for privacy purposes) as more of a brother, although I doubt Nolan is allowed to see Dyson* that way, with his mother being the way she is.

        But this weekend was one of the first really nice weekends of the year. It was the last weekend in April, so it was time to pull out the lawn mower and clean up the yard before the park managers come around with their yellow notices informing us that if we don't do such-and-such within the next three days, they will come do it for us and charge us out the ass in the process.  So, my fiance asked the kids to help him out in the yard. Our kids are 8 and 9 years old and both of them have ADHD, neither of them are on medication on the weekends (doctors said they only need it for school.) So when the kids weren't doing it the way Mack* wanted them too, he pitched a fit, yelled at them and told them to go back inside.  So, I'm in the kitchen putting groceries away and I've got two crying kids coming in my house, one ran in the bedroom while the other cried and said he wasn't a good helper.

        I went on to the porch and asked Mack* what happened and he's like, 'They're over here fucking around, picking up one stick at a time and taking their sweet ass time doing it! I just wanna get this shit done!'  And I just looked at him, like WTF, they're kids!  Did you expect them to do it just like YOU do it without being told how? You told them to pick up sticks! What do you want?

        So, later on, Mack was grilling outside and I brought some him plates, and he says, "There are ten year old kids who mow the lawn, and our kids can't even pick up leaves and sticks."  I wanted to say, "Actually, they can, but just because it's not YOUR WAY, doesn't mean it's wrong. And I'm sure the few ten yr old who do mow the lawn only do it because daddy is either too drunk to do it, or threatens to take off his belt if they don't."  However, I kept my mouth shut.  I don't know if I'd personally want my ten year old mowing the lawn because stars-forbid they run over their foot or something! Or, don't see a stick and end up accidentally breaking the lawn mower, only to be yelled at by you!! THEY'RE FUCKING KIDS!!!

       Sunday, we went over to our friends house because my computer needed to be fixed and Mack's friend needed help fixing the brakes on his car, and I was so sick of Mack yelling at the kids for being freaking kids {they were playing in our side yard, which is connected to the neighbors yard because it's a freaking trailer park, there is NOTHING dividing the grass, and EVERY TIME the kids would go over to get their ball or step in the grass, Mack would flip out on them, and scream, and i'm like, 'honey, it's not like there is very much room for them to play! Calm the fuck down, they aren't hurting anyone just be BEING in the grass, and technically, it's no ones yard because WE DON'T ON THE LAND, the park does!  So the kids can play anywhere they want!' But, of course, I didn't say anything because no matter what I say, I'm wrong, and he is right, even when it's not about who is right or wrong, but what is common sense, what is fucking logical and NOT outdated parenting 'children should be seen and not heard.}  ANYWAY, we were on our way to our friends, and the kids always ask where we are going.  Now, to me, this is normal and NOT A BIG DEAL.  The kids are getting in the car and going somewhere, why can't they know where they're going??  Why must you get so upset and say "Don't worry about it."  or  "Oh, I didn't tell you? Guess you don't need to know."  I'm like, what is so hard in telling them that we're going to the store or to your moms or to our friends, etc?! "I never asked my mom where we were going as a kid, I just got in the car and went."  Okay, that's nice, but OUR KIDS ARE NOT YOU, AND I AM NOT YOUR MOM.  If Dyson wants to know where we're going, I'M GOING TO TELL HIM, because it's NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.  "We're going grocery shopping."

       OMFG THAT WAS SO HARD.

        I want my kid to ask questions.  I want him to be curious because THAT IS HOW KIDS LEARN.  And just because your mom did things a certain way, or you grew up a certain way, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S THE RIGHT WAY, IT'S JUST THE WAY YOU GUYS LIVED.  And it DOESN'T mean it's THE ONLY WAY!

       I feel like I can't raise my son the way I want to raise him when my fiance is around.  And I hate it.  For the past week-ish, I have felt so much anger and resentment towards him, I don't want him to touch me or be near me, the sight of him makes me want to punch him in the face, HARD.

        I always wanted to have another baby at some point in my life, but now ... if I stay with him... I know I can never have his.  He can't handle being a part time dad.  How the hell would handle being a full time one?

        I really don't know what to do.  I have this rage building up inside of me and I don't know how to let it out without exploding at someone who says the wrong thing at the wrong time... I know he won't change because we've been doing the same dance since we got together.  I'm just starting to wonder if it's worth it anymore.

(*All names have been changed for privacy purposes.) 

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