Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"She had an insect living inside her brain. She could feel it clicking across her skull, just... pulling the wires, just for fun."

Nobody knows what it’s like to be you.  But nobody knows what it’s like to be me either.

Everyone has a different story.  Every situation is different.

Somethings you can see on the outside so it’s easier for people to understand why they are sick.

But just because you can see my illness, doesn't mean it’s not there. It doesn't make it any less real.

Having a mental illness is probably one of the hardest things for anyone to have, because so many people dismiss it, tell you it’s not real.

Tell me that “It’s all in your head.”  Well, YEAH you’re fucking right.  IT IS IN MY HEAD, which is WHY YOU CAN’T SEE IT.

But I can feel it.

I can feel the world around me crumbling into nothingness.  My heart aches with every beat, my chest hurts with each breath.  My head pounds painfully along to the rhythm of my quickening pulse.

I can feel the tears and the need to cry rise in my face and chest, but nothing comes out because I hate crying in front of anyone.  I hate crying alone.

People tell me to think about all the good things I have in my life, like my son and my house, my cats, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. And I do… But it only makes me feel worse because I feel like such a burden on all of them.  Like I’m failing them.  I do not drive. I don’t have a car, and living in the USA in a suburban area without a car makes a person extremely isolated.  I hate asking people for rides… it’s not their job, they are not my taxi.  And I can’t afford a taxi…

Everyday just gets worse.  Everyday something happens in the world, in the country, in my neighborhood that makes me sadder.  I start thinking how horrible the human race has become and how much better this planet would be without it… without me.  I am but one person, who no one wants to listen to, who cannot help end world hunger or the economic crisis or fix the corruption of man kind as a whole, because so many do not see just how corrupt we have become.

We glamorize fame and fortune and make our children become money obsessed, greedy, shallow people.  People become famous for being uneducated, and it appalls me that so many people in this country cater to that kind of behavior.

Our world has become a twisted version of the Hunger Games.  Only a death at the end of the show would be welcomed bonus. Or at the very least, the opportunity for a proper education.

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