Sunday, November 2, 2014

"My mom loved valium and lots of drugs, And that's why I am like I am, cause I'm like her." ~ Eminem

        It's been over a year since I've updated this blog. I've been concentrating on my 365 Day Challenge blog, and other projects I've been working on. But this is my venting blog. This is where I go to write about my life and the people in my life and events that happen and affect my life.

        I have been with my fiance for 3 years, 6 months, 13 days. There have been times when I've felt like I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, and times when I felt like I had no place being with him, and we were so wrong for each other that I struggled with idea of staying with him forever. So much that I believe me losing my disability benefits is not the only reason why I haven't married him  yet...

        I struggle with it, on what feels like a daily basis. Some days I am madly in love with him, and so happy to be with him, I feel like nothing else in the world could ever make me happier... and then I have days like today... and last Thursday, and the previous Tuesday.

        People keep telling me to stop drinking the poison. But in order for me to do that, I'd have to leave Matt. And, I gotta be honest here, guys, I have no where to go. And there are days when I feel like the only reason I am still here is because I have no where to go.
       I passed on the HUD subsidy I was offered last spring because we were together and things were good. And because I live in a county where there are more people than financial resources, I can never apply for it again. I was on the waiting list for 6 years, and now, they are no longer accepting applications.

        Being a "stepmom" is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Because he is not my son. And I don't mean for that to sound cold, because I do care about my fiance's son very very much, but he is not my son. My son comes first, always and forever. And there are times when I feel like I have to put my kid on the back burner because I have to stop everything I'm doing and become super stepmom because this poor kids mother has a traumatic brain injury, and doesn't know the difference between right and wrong.

        She doesn't have judgement. She has the memory of Dory from Finding Nemo, and I'm not joking about that. The woman cannot remember anything. She forgets what day it is and how to open doors. She has a history of crack use and neglect charges and more recently CPS charges, and her two little kids are so completely out of control, I am surprised her daughter hasn't gotten kicked out of kindergarten yet. She has a bipolar type disorder and her cognitive functioning is that of a seventeen year old. But the courts don't care if she is brain dead. She could probably still be smoking crack now, and they'd still let her keep the kids. Mothers, no matter how unstable, always win. It's just the way it is in NYS...

        It isn't my job to worry about other peoples kids. It's my job to worry about and take care of my own. But ever since my fiance and I have gotten together, it has become my job. If his ex were a normal person, none of this would be a problem. But she's not, and it's not a normal situation, and I don't know if I can do this anymore.

       And the worst part about all of this is that the company my fiance works for is planning on expanding out west, to Arizona or Utah or Nevada, and he wants to go. He's told people at work he wants to go, and while I am very, very intrigued and tempted by the idea of just up and moving and starting over, I am not in anyway okay with him just leaving his son behind, because that's what's going to end up happening. He's going to leave him with her, and only see him in the summer, and his son will grow up to be a drug dealer/addict and for some completely bizarre reason, my fiance seems to be totally okay with this.

       And there is no way in fucking hell I am leaving my kid. I would never leave my son. Not until he is grown and on his own and ready to be an adult, I would never leave my son. Not ever. I love him way too much to do that, and it pisses me off so fucking much that he's so ready to just up and leave him, especially with someone so incompetent.

       And I don't think I can be with a man who would do that to his only child.

       Maybe it's different because I am a mom and he's a dad, and we have different forms of bonding... all I know is, I don't think I can do this anymore.

       I don't want to be a stepmom anymore, especially to an eleven year old kid with the emotional mentality of a six year old. I don't want to have this anxiety all the fucking time. I don't want to worry and never know what's going on because the woman forgets everything you tell her within five minutes of the conversation.

       I want this all to be over...

       I have to figure out how to walk away, where to go, what to do, because I seriously cannot take this anymore.

       I need a new life...

Friday, October 11, 2013

"I think it's a tough road if you're a stay-at-home mom, a working mom, if you have a partner, if you don't. It's the best job in the world, and the toughest job in the world all at the same time."

I have many friend who are Moms.  Some of them are stay at home Moms, some of them are working moms, and some are even both.  I, myself, have been both.  When Dylan was born, I stayed home with him until he was about 7-8 months. I don't remember the exact date, but I got a part time job at the Mall at the end of 2005 as a Seasonal Employee during the holiday season.  Mind you, this job only lasted about 2 months.  I worked nights and weekends while he stayed home with his dad/grandparents, and it was over before Christmas.  It was very hard for me to leave him, even though I only worked 4-5 hour shifts most of the time. I missed him and I hated being away from him.

After that, I stayed home until April, right after his first birthday, and went back to work part time at CVS down the street from where we were living at the time.  His father had lost his job and we needed SOME income, even though it wasn't very much.  I stayed at CVS throughout the summer, and then I decided to go back to school.  

I tried working at CVS on the weekends AND go to school, but that gave me no time to not only study, but to see my baby!  Both his father and I signed up for full time classes at the Community College and my days were jam packed. We had finally moved out of his parents house into low income apartments (which were very nice, and big, apartments, don't judge a book by it's title...).  I had class from 8am until 4pm Monday/Wednesday/Friday.  After the second week, I decided to quit CVS and just be a full time student, but applied for the work study program (which was only 10 hours a week for me, broken down into 5hrs on Tuesday's and Thursdays.)  So, my weeks were busy, but at least I had my weekends to spend time with my son.

I was able to balance it out.  I was even lucky enough to have Dylan enrolled at Mom's House, which is a FREE daycare for single moms or dads (unmarried) who are enrolled in school full time. This in itself was a miracle.  For those who don't know how expensive child care is, look it up.  Depending on the child's age, it can be more than your rent, or sometimes, the same amount.

So, there I was, being super Mom, going to school, going to "work" 10 hrs a week and doing my "service time" at Mom's house 3 hrs per week (every mom/dad there is required to do it, see previous posts as to what it entails.) Mind you, I had no car of my own, so I relied on Dylan's father for rides, until I met my friend from the daycare, and we wound up car pooling.

I attended school full time for a year, and I was able to graduate in May of 2007. (I had already done time at a different community college prior to getting pregnant.)

Two months after I graduated, I got a full time job at a special needs school, working as a one-on-one teachers aide.

Contrary to what a lot of people believe, I haven't always been a stay at home Mom.  I was let go of my job officially in February of 2008 because my depression and anxiety had gotten so out of control, I just stopped going to work.

I moved home in July, and started babysitting while living at my mothers house.  I did that for the school year and also wrote a lot of my novel on my days off. In 2009, after taking a year to calm my nerves and get back into the game, I attempted to go back to school for my bachelor's. Dylan was in pre school by then, but I still needed daycare because it was only half day.  I found a woman who did it through her home that was a lot cheaper than the college daycare, and was able to get student loans to help cover the expense.

I made through a year of school, and then a month into my second year, I would up in the hospital.  That was when everything fell apart.  I dropped out of school and haven't worked since.

The past 3 years haven't been easy for me.  I was able to apply for disability and was approved after almost 2 years and a court appeal.  I met my fiance through a friend, and was able to move out of my mothers house, get my drivers license, which was something I've been struggling with ever since I was old enough to drive.  Driving anxiety has been one of my main problems for the past 12 years.  I've been doing A LOT better with it ever since my fiance has helped me, given me the tools I needed to cope (a fucking automatic transmission being one of them...), I know that if it weren't for him and his help, I still probably wouldn't have my license.   He was the only person willing to let me drive their car and take my test with it, and now I drive all the time.  (But not in rush hour, or in the dark... baby steps, guys.)

So, imagine being a stay at home mom with no car, or access to a car.  Always worried about how I would get to doctors appointments, how I'd get my SON to the doctors if he needed to go.  It was not an easy process... asking family and friends was all I had.

Right now, at this point in my life, going back to work is not an option for me.  Even if I wanted to, which I have thought about, a lot.  It's not that I couldn't.  My son is in 3rd grade now, and is gone from 8am-4pm, so I could get a job within those hours (like 9-3) BUT I still have fairly severe anxiety when it comes to interacting with people.  I don't like talking to people I don't know, because it gives me so much anxiety.  So, for now, I am a stay at home mom, who writes a little on the side when I am able to concentrate long enough, and also I am disabled.

I feel like some people, some of my friends, look down on me for that. Like I am not good enough for them... Like my choices were wrong and I'm a bad mom for not working.

Well, I don't think you're a bad mom for not being around so watch your child grow up.  I don't think you are wrong for making the choice to go back to work and make money so you can support your child financially, even though they will have limited time with you.  That is your choice.  And some people believe money is more important than time, and that's fine.  I don't want to be that kind of mom.  I want to be there for my kid, and if I ever do have another one, I want to be there for her, too.  This is entirely my choice based on my own feelings about working mom vs stay at home mom.  Neither one of them are WRONG, they are just choices you make depending on your own circumstances.  Some people can afford daycare, other people would only be working to pay for daycare so it's not worth it in the end.  When you're lucky enough to have two incomes in a home, sometimes, you can weigh your options and see if you can survive on one income, so one parent can stay home with the child.  Some people also really like their job.  I understand that.  If you like your job and you want to keep it, then yea, go back to work! I think it's really rare for people to really love their jobs, so if you are one of the lucky ones that do, then go!

But not everyone has that.  Not everyone can have a family member babysit their child while they work.  We live in a hard, cold world.  We need to stop judging parents on how they choose to juggle their work life and mom life.  And being a stay at home mom doesn't have to be permanent.  Or it can be, whatever you want.

What I am trying to say here is; Neither of us are better or worse than the other.  We're all parents just trying to do the best we can for our kids.  And that is what really matters.

I love my kid.  I love spending time with my kid. I love talking to my kid.  And until he's older, and I am healed, there isn't a job outside of my home I could do.

But that's just me.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

A day in the life ...

People always ask me what I do all day ... A lot of people think I don't do anything. Well, sometimes that is true, but for the most part, I'm doing a lot. Maybe not a lot for you, or compared to you, but for someone like me, a person who can be severely emotionally unstable, up or down, left or right, and you never know which way I will be any day of the week, I do a lot.

7:00 - alarm goes off. Hit snooze

7:09 - hit snooze again

7:18 - want to hit snooze, but force self out of bed.

7:20 - use the bathroom

7:22 - get distracted by something shiny.

7:25 - wake up Child and get him dressed for school.

7:35 - turn on PBS kids.

7:37 - give child ADHD meds so teacher doesn't call you and tell you how naughty your child is and how they have no impulse control and they were hitting other kids with pencils, etc, etc.

7:40 - pour cup of coffee

7:42 - pour bowl of cereal for child

7:43 - do NOT pour coffee onto cereal. Use MILK.

7:45 - serve child cereal

7:46 - fix coffee and proceed to consume in copious amounts

7:50 - get distracted by something shiny.

7:55 - turn off TV. Get kid ready for the bus.

8:02 - walk to bus stop

8:13 - walk back home.

8:15 - get distracted by something shiny.

8:20 - contemplate going back to bed for a few hours, or do dishes from previous night.

8:23 - do dishes

8:24 - realize you need music to do dishes. Get out iHome, find cleaning playlist and get em' done.

8:32 - get distracted by something shiny.

8:45 - use bathroom again. Realize there's dirty laundry in the washer.

8:48 - start washer

8:52 - take clean clothes out of dryer and throw on the bed. Contemplate separating, folding and putting it away.

8:55 - put laundry away

9:02 - get distracted by something shiny.

9:15 - sit down at computer and check Facebook/twitter/tumblr/Pinterest/email

10:05 - get distracted by something shiny (this actually goes on for a while...)

11:45 - realize you've been on Facebook/twitter/tumblr/Pinterest for way longer than you meant to be.

11:50 - take shower

12:02 - get dressed

12:15 - realize you haven't eaten yet.  forage for something edible.

12:30 - sit back down at computer with food and watch John/Hank Green YouTube videos while you eat. Learn something new.

1:00 - remember you should be writing

1:02 - open up recent copy of current story and re-read what you wrote the previous day.

1:04 - get distracted by something shiny

1:07 - hear cat heaving in hallway.

1:10 - clean up cat vomit/hair ball

1:18 - wash hands and commence writing.

1:21 - get distracted by something shiny

1:25 - cat jumps on computer desk, getting in your way of writing. Then sits on your lap and now you can't reach the keyboard.

1:32 - phone rings. School teacher. Let it go to voice mail.

1:37 - get distracted by wondering what the teacher wanted

1:45 - phone rings. Principal. Stomach turns. Must answer it.

2:00 - call mom crying because you're failing as a mother.

2:30 - text/FB message everyone you know the story from the principal to see what they think and continue multiple conversations until the panic attack stops.

3:30 - realize it's almost time for the bus.

3:32 - too stressed to read or write. Start pacing the house. Fidget with everything. Move stuff around the table and counter. Check the clock. Pick up toys. Fold blanket. Check clock. Pour a drink. Check clock. Pee again. Check clock.

3:53 - walk to bus stop in a partial daze

3:57 - get distracted by something shiny

4:05 - get kid off the bus. Talk to him about what happened.

4:12 - watch Ellen.

4:32 - get distracted by something shiny

5:00 - ask what everyone wants for dinner, if I haven't got a plan (which is a lot)

5:27 - start making dinner, have kid do homework.

5:34 - get distracted by something shiny

6:12 - serve said dinner

6:30 - watch Simpsons repeat with kid

7:00 - go for a walk with significant other (or watch Big Bang theory repeat if its raining...)

7:30 - tubby time

7:45 - get kid dressed, teeth brushed and ready for bed.

7:52 - get distracted by something shiny

8:00 - let kid read for 30 minutes while you watch your grown up show (depending on the day of week)

8:13 - get distracted by something shiny

8:30 ish (during commercial break) - go tuck in kid and kiss him goodnight.

8:35 - stop Dylan!

8:42 - quite down Dylan!

8:48 - DYLAN!

8:52 - get distracted by something shiny

8:55 - don't kick the wall please!

9:15 - silence.

9:16 - watch show on Netflix with significant other ?

9:30 - significant other falls asleep.

9:36 - go back on computer. Check Facebook.

9:49 - get distracted by something shiny

10:13 - still not tired. Try to read and write where I left off that afternoon.

11:47 - FINISHED A CHAPTER! And not distracted by anything shiny!! WHAT?!

12:05 - go to bed.


Monday, August 12, 2013

“Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it go at that.”

I consider myself to be pretty lucky in the soon-to-be Husband department (he has a job!!).  He is generous and affectionate, and loving.  And he allows me full control of all of the finances.  Which is great because he's not very good at paying bills on time, or at all, and I am better at money management.  (not a pro by far, but still at least I know our electric won't be shut off and we won't be evicted.)

But there are always going to be some problems in relationships.  I've heard that the number one thing couples argue about is money.  My fiance and I have NEVER argued about money.  EVER. And that is because I have a system that works wonderfully and helps us make sure we have enough to pay everything on time.

Fiance is the one who "brings home the bacon".  I am currently disabled and receive SSI benefits that is basically enough to cover rent and a few small things, most of which I use on my son for things he needs.  The thing that frustrates me is that because he works outside of the home, he seems to think I don't work, just because I work AT HOME.

I do 99% of the cooking, besides pancakes and eggs in a hole.  I do 99% of the dishes, laundry, and typical house work.  I don't need to live in a palace, but my house is for the most part pretty damn clean.  The ONLY thing he does he do the cat box, and take out the trash 90% of the time.


Yesterday we got home from our friends wedding and he left for work.  Before my son got home, I decided to clean and rearrange,  I pulled out my desk into the living room so I have a REAL work space now, and moved a book shelf into the bedroom and trashed the old DVD shelf that was falling apart. I cleaned the house, 98%.  Ya wanna know what he noticed when he got home??

There was food in the sink that was going down the drain that I didn't see after I DID ALL THE DISHES, because there were suds from the soap and I didn't go back to look after I'd done them.
OUT OF EVERYTHING I HAD DONE, HE NOTICES THE ONE FUCKING THING I MISSED AND WENT OFF ON ME FOR IT. I'm so sick and tired of always getting yelled at for the few things I miss, and never fucking appreciated for ALL THE REST I DO!!!

I am NOT perfect.  I can be lazy.  But I am also sick, and there is only so much I can deal with before the urges come back.  The past few months have not been easy on me, emotionally and mentally.  The urge to hurt someone else or myself has been so strong, and I try so hard to be strong.  I don't think I could ever hurt another person no matter how much they might deserve it, but sometimes the only way I can get through certain things is by digging my finger nails so hard and so deep into my skin, but not enough where anyone could notice.  I've done it so may times and no one noticed. Sometimes outer pain is the only thing that gets rid of all the anger rising in my chest, that wants to slash someones throat or choke the life out of them... Could I ever actually do it? No.  I love my son far too much to end up in jail.  The worst thing that could happen by me hurting myself is I'll end up back in the psych ward, which in all honestly is probably the best for me right now, but I can't leave my son, and I can't leave my fiance alone to fend for himself.  He'd starve without me....

Monday, July 1, 2013

If I could sum up humanity in one quote, this would be it;

G'mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
Atreyu: That's not true! You're lying.
G'mork: Foolish boy. Don't you know anything about Fantasia? It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?
G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G'mork: Because people who have no hope are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!

~ The Never Ending Story

Monday, June 10, 2013

Why you gotta be so mean?

      I wish I could be like the things I post on twitter and tumblr and Facebook. I wish I could let shit go. But all of these fucking people live in my head rent free, and all I feel is this undying rage inside of me.

      This rage builds and builds until all I can do is imagine 15 different ways to kill these people, these leeches rather, brutally and slowly and painfully. Grabbing them by the hair and bashing their head against the floor or wall or door over and over again. Then grabbing their necks and squeezing them as hard as I could, draining the life out of them, depriving them of the oxygen they don't deserve...

     And then I remember I'd go to jail (or a mental institution, not sure which given the state of my mental health, but I don't really want to be in either...) and leave my child and fiance forever, when I know these leeches aren't even worth the oxygen it would take to tell them to go fuck themselves.  They are toxic.  They are a drain on not only me, but humanity as a whole.  They're selfish and two faced and fake and all they care about is how they look on the outside and not who they are on the inside ...

... and their poor kids, oh my stars, their poor innocent kids are stuck living with these toxic, poisonous leeches, who only had kids so they could collect child support from baby daddy and use them as an accessory to show off to people! It's a horrible feeling watching a kid being displayed like that, when they are capable of so much more.  The only reason these kids are so fucking dumb is because their LEECH mothers don't care about their education, only what they wear and how they look and how they make THEM look in public!

      It's so hard to be inside my head sometimes. I don't want to hurt myself. But I can't hurt you. I don't really want to hurt anybody...

     I just want this rage to go away. I want my friends to not be mean to me for no reason.

    I want to prove you wrong. I want karma to come around and bite you in the ass so hard. I want you out of my head. Get out of my fucking head. Before I snap...

Friday, June 7, 2013

"I promise you my friend, I see you in my stars, Self-proclaimed philosophers, Whoa, that's what we are."

      Today, I had a plan to go visit my best friend who lives 150 miles away from me.  My son's paternal grandfather works up here and but lives in the same city as her.  Every weekend he goes home, and every other weekend he brings my son with him to visit his father and other family there.  I had asked if I could ride along so I could spend the weekend with my Katie, and her daughter for her birthday.

      However, everything came to a halt when a tragedy hit in my son's grandfather's family last weekend, and even though I felt horrible for their loss, I was confused on whether or not this weekend was still on, because I assumed (bad bad bad) that the funeral would be this weekend.  I haven't been so many in my life *knock on wood* but I thought they generally weren't that much longer after the death of the person.  So, I had made back up plans just in case I wasn't able to ride down with them because they were attending the funeral.

      My fiance said he would drive us all down Saturday so I could see Katie and her daughter.  It would have been all four of us, since I didn't know if they were still taking my son.

      Then a few days ago, I found out that the funeral isn't until next weekend so I could still ride down with them.  When I told my fiance about this, he got upset and I didn't understand why.  I had explained to that him it was only a back up plan and that I haven't seen my best friend in two years and really needed some girl time.  He didn't understand that.

      I don't think men ever really understand that sometimes, a woman needs time to herself, or time with her girlfriends. Everyone needs time with friends, once in a while.  If he never needed time with his best friend, I wouldn't argue with him or make him feel bad about it.  He is allowed to do his own thing and be his own person.  Katie is one of two(?) people in the entire world who completely understands me.  My fiance doesn't even understand me, so much to the point where I question our entire relationship and wonder if I should marry him... But I do love him, and I don't want to start all over.

      So, after all that, I didn't want him to be upset with me, so yesterday I explained to my son's grandfather that my fiance wanted to come too, so we were just going to drive down for the day on Saturday.  And even though I am so depressed and anxious and have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen, and all I want to do is cry because I was supposed to be with my friend tonight, away from my fiance, away from the boys, just having a complete girls weekend, I am still happy that I at least to see her tomorrow.  I don't know why I feel so anxious about this.  I'm afraid they won't get along because Katie is very "hippy" (not much different from me) and the last time they met, which was literally for 20 minutes at a Subway when we drove through the city and we met her for lunch, he made a remark about how he was surprised I was friends with "someone like her", and I still have no idea what he meant by that.  He doesn't like any of my friends.  All of them are fake, according to him.  It's making it really hard for me to actually have any friends... I have this uncontrollable fear that he is going to ruin this entire weekend for me and I swear if that happens, I'm done.  I'll fucking move into a cardboard box for all I care... I refuse to let him ruin this weekend for me.

      He says he's worried because of her husband... But he doesn't know the whole story and has no right to judge him because everyone is different, and whether be believes it or not, people can change.  Maybe people who have permanent brain damage can't, but regular people with normal brain functioning can.

      I already told him I'm going to need a few hours with just me and Katie, so I don't know what he's going to do with his son.  I'm not trying to ditch him, but her husband is working all day (which is probably a good thing) and we just want some girl time.

      I just feel like he ruined this entire weekend for me by making me feel guilty because I preferred to go without him.  

      There is a fine line between being needed by someone, and being completely dependent on them.

      I need my own freaking car, so I can just go by myself and not have to worry about anything or anyone else.  But I don't know how to get a car... I can't afford one on my income, but I can't get a job if I don't have a car, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

      I just want to see my friend ...

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Some People Should NOT Be Parents ...

This is how I am feeling right now. 

You do not have the right to tell your child how YOU feel about their father, because you make it sound like it's how THEY need to feel about them as well.  Psychologically projecting your feelings onto a child is wrong. I know.  My mother did this to me for years.

There is actually a name for this.  It's called Parental Alienation Syndrome, aka brain washing. And it can be used against you in court.

There have been very few moments in my life where I've ever actually thought, "CPS Y U NO TAKE THAT BABY AWAY?!"  

And then you go and open your mouth, and we're all like:

And yet ... you don't even realize that you're stupid.  You honestly have no fucking clue the level your stupidity reaches! It's like:

And I'm over here like 

Is this a joke?? Is this woman serious right now?? 

How?  Why?




I've never ever believed that about anyone, 
until I met you.

It's kind of obvious that
This is you. 

And this

Annnnd this. 

(Just replace alcohol with fucking crack)