Thursday, September 5, 2013

A day in the life ...

People always ask me what I do all day ... A lot of people think I don't do anything. Well, sometimes that is true, but for the most part, I'm doing a lot. Maybe not a lot for you, or compared to you, but for someone like me, a person who can be severely emotionally unstable, up or down, left or right, and you never know which way I will be any day of the week, I do a lot.

7:00 - alarm goes off. Hit snooze

7:09 - hit snooze again

7:18 - want to hit snooze, but force self out of bed.

7:20 - use the bathroom

7:22 - get distracted by something shiny.

7:25 - wake up Child and get him dressed for school.

7:35 - turn on PBS kids.

7:37 - give child ADHD meds so teacher doesn't call you and tell you how naughty your child is and how they have no impulse control and they were hitting other kids with pencils, etc, etc.

7:40 - pour cup of coffee

7:42 - pour bowl of cereal for child

7:43 - do NOT pour coffee onto cereal. Use MILK.

7:45 - serve child cereal

7:46 - fix coffee and proceed to consume in copious amounts

7:50 - get distracted by something shiny.

7:55 - turn off TV. Get kid ready for the bus.

8:02 - walk to bus stop

8:13 - walk back home.

8:15 - get distracted by something shiny.

8:20 - contemplate going back to bed for a few hours, or do dishes from previous night.

8:23 - do dishes

8:24 - realize you need music to do dishes. Get out iHome, find cleaning playlist and get em' done.

8:32 - get distracted by something shiny.

8:45 - use bathroom again. Realize there's dirty laundry in the washer.

8:48 - start washer

8:52 - take clean clothes out of dryer and throw on the bed. Contemplate separating, folding and putting it away.

8:55 - put laundry away

9:02 - get distracted by something shiny.

9:15 - sit down at computer and check Facebook/twitter/tumblr/Pinterest/email

10:05 - get distracted by something shiny (this actually goes on for a while...)

11:45 - realize you've been on Facebook/twitter/tumblr/Pinterest for way longer than you meant to be.

11:50 - take shower

12:02 - get dressed

12:15 - realize you haven't eaten yet.  forage for something edible.

12:30 - sit back down at computer with food and watch John/Hank Green YouTube videos while you eat. Learn something new.

1:00 - remember you should be writing

1:02 - open up recent copy of current story and re-read what you wrote the previous day.

1:04 - get distracted by something shiny

1:07 - hear cat heaving in hallway.

1:10 - clean up cat vomit/hair ball

1:18 - wash hands and commence writing.

1:21 - get distracted by something shiny

1:25 - cat jumps on computer desk, getting in your way of writing. Then sits on your lap and now you can't reach the keyboard.

1:32 - phone rings. School teacher. Let it go to voice mail.

1:37 - get distracted by wondering what the teacher wanted

1:45 - phone rings. Principal. Stomach turns. Must answer it.

2:00 - call mom crying because you're failing as a mother.

2:30 - text/FB message everyone you know the story from the principal to see what they think and continue multiple conversations until the panic attack stops.

3:30 - realize it's almost time for the bus.

3:32 - too stressed to read or write. Start pacing the house. Fidget with everything. Move stuff around the table and counter. Check the clock. Pick up toys. Fold blanket. Check clock. Pour a drink. Check clock. Pee again. Check clock.

3:53 - walk to bus stop in a partial daze

3:57 - get distracted by something shiny

4:05 - get kid off the bus. Talk to him about what happened.

4:12 - watch Ellen.

4:32 - get distracted by something shiny

5:00 - ask what everyone wants for dinner, if I haven't got a plan (which is a lot)

5:27 - start making dinner, have kid do homework.

5:34 - get distracted by something shiny

6:12 - serve said dinner

6:30 - watch Simpsons repeat with kid

7:00 - go for a walk with significant other (or watch Big Bang theory repeat if its raining...)

7:30 - tubby time

7:45 - get kid dressed, teeth brushed and ready for bed.

7:52 - get distracted by something shiny

8:00 - let kid read for 30 minutes while you watch your grown up show (depending on the day of week)

8:13 - get distracted by something shiny

8:30 ish (during commercial break) - go tuck in kid and kiss him goodnight.

8:35 - stop Dylan!

8:42 - quite down Dylan!

8:48 - DYLAN!

8:52 - get distracted by something shiny

8:55 - don't kick the wall please!

9:15 - silence.

9:16 - watch show on Netflix with significant other ?

9:30 - significant other falls asleep.

9:36 - go back on computer. Check Facebook.

9:49 - get distracted by something shiny

10:13 - still not tired. Try to read and write where I left off that afternoon.

11:47 - FINISHED A CHAPTER! And not distracted by anything shiny!! WHAT?!

12:05 - go to bed.


Monday, July 1, 2013

If I could sum up humanity in one quote, this would be it;

G'mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
Atreyu: That's not true! You're lying.
G'mork: Foolish boy. Don't you know anything about Fantasia? It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?
G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G'mork: Because people who have no hope are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!

~ The Never Ending Story

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Some People Should NOT Be Parents ...

This is how I am feeling right now. 

You do not have the right to tell your child how YOU feel about their father, because you make it sound like it's how THEY need to feel about them as well.  Psychologically projecting your feelings onto a child is wrong. I know.  My mother did this to me for years.

There is actually a name for this.  It's called Parental Alienation Syndrome, aka brain washing. And it can be used against you in court.

There have been very few moments in my life where I've ever actually thought, "CPS Y U NO TAKE THAT BABY AWAY?!"  

And then you go and open your mouth, and we're all like:

And yet ... you don't even realize that you're stupid.  You honestly have no fucking clue the level your stupidity reaches! It's like:

And I'm over here like 

Is this a joke?? Is this woman serious right now?? 

How?  Why?




I've never ever believed that about anyone, 
until I met you.

It's kind of obvious that
This is you. 

And this

Annnnd this. 

(Just replace alcohol with fucking crack)

Thursday, May 23, 2013

This whole life's a hallucination ...

"Ladder Song" by Bright Eyes

No one knows where the ladder goes
You're going to lose what you love the most
You're not alone in anything
You're not unique in dying

Feel a strange day every now and then
Fall asleep reading science fiction
I want to fly in your silver ship
Let Jesus hang and Buddha sit

It's on now
The days are long now
The ups and the sundowns
And a twisting mind
If I got to go first
I'll do it on my terms
I'm tired of traitors always changing sides
They were friends of mine

Don't hang around as the promise breaks
You'll be there when the next one's made
Kiss the feet of a charlatan
Some imagined freedom

All the rest is predictable
You can say you're the first to know
Bought a mantra to concentrate
Car alarm or hissing snake

I know now
How it's going to turn out
You got to calm down
Or I'll lose my place

Got to get to the center

Got to get to the concert
Run off with a dancer
Going to celebrate

Welcome the new age
Covered in warrior paint
Lights from the jungle to the sky
See now, a star's born
Looks just like a blood orange
Don't it just make you want to cry
Precious friend of mine?

Well, I know when it's finally done
This whole life's a hallucination
You're not alone in anything
You're not alone in trying
To be

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

J.K. Rowling is my hero.

“‘Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.

I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…

I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn’t seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!’

‘Well,’ I said, slightly nonplussed, ‘the last time you saw me I’d just had a baby.’

What I felt like saying was, ‘I’ve produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren’t either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?’ But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate!

I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin’. And frankly, I’d rather they didn't give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons.”

— J.K. Rowling

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."

        A person who has never experienced depression or anxiety will never understand those of us who suffer from it.  Especially people who are very outgoing, love being the center of attention, who have a positive self image and high self esteem, and who love themselves above everyone else.  I do not expect you to understand, but I expect you to respect the fact that it is a real illness with real symptoms that affect my every day life.  It's incredibly disheartening to find out after twelve years of friendship, one of your so called good friends, really isn't that good of a friend at all.  In fact, they are not that good of a person at all.

        I always believed that I knew what my friends thought of me, understood my psychological problems and my anxiety, only to find out that they, in fact, do not.  I thought true friends were the ones who stick with you through good times and bad times, especially when I was there for them during difficult times.  But now that I am unable to work, receive temporary disability benefits while I attend counseling to get better, and currently live in a trailer park, they are too good for me.

      Well, I hate to break this to you, but not all trailer parks are trashy.  Not all people who live in trailer parks are trashy.  It is an unfair stereotype, like when people use the term "puerto rican  shower" when referring to a Hispanic person who uses too much perfume. It's rude, judgmental, and just plain wrong.  My fiance, who works full time, and I are in the process of saving money so we can eventually buy a house, and living here gives us the opportunity to do so.

        In retrospect, you and I being friends was quite strange because we are indeed polar opposites, with you being an extrovert and myself being an introvert, but I guess I was just a convenient babysitter for you.  I was useful when you needed someone to help you move, or needed a shoulder to cry on when one of the fifty men you were dating at the time realized they could do better.  It's just a shame that the one your with now hasn't realized this yet.  But one day, when he is no longer ashamed of himself and his love of men, he will find his soul mate at a Bieber concert and will finally see everything he'd been missing all the years he wasted with you.

        So the next time you feel the need to judge the way I'm living my life, remember that at one point you received food stamps, and you rely on your baby daddy to pay your rent.

      No one can do it themselves. Sometimes, we all need a little help.  I do not "get paid" to stay home and plan my wedding.  In fact, there hasn't been any real planning done except for choosing the song.  Not that I owe you any form of explanation, I just wanted to clarify.  I do not wish for us to ever be friends.  I do not wish to ever see or speak to you again, because I have absolutely no desire to be associated with someone like you. 

      I have learned from my mistake, and I will never repeat it.

      So excuse me while I go work on myself to become a better person, while you continue to dig yourself into your shallow, materialistic, egotistical little hole where you think you're the center of the universe, and I'm over here like:

      You are so insignificantly small.

      Just like the rest of us.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"She had an insect living inside her brain. She could feel it clicking across her skull, just... pulling the wires, just for fun."

Nobody knows what it’s like to be you.  But nobody knows what it’s like to be me either.

Everyone has a different story.  Every situation is different.

Somethings you can see on the outside so it’s easier for people to understand why they are sick.

But just because you can see my illness, doesn't mean it’s not there. It doesn't make it any less real.

Having a mental illness is probably one of the hardest things for anyone to have, because so many people dismiss it, tell you it’s not real.

Tell me that “It’s all in your head.”  Well, YEAH you’re fucking right.  IT IS IN MY HEAD, which is WHY YOU CAN’T SEE IT.

But I can feel it.

I can feel the world around me crumbling into nothingness.  My heart aches with every beat, my chest hurts with each breath.  My head pounds painfully along to the rhythm of my quickening pulse.

I can feel the tears and the need to cry rise in my face and chest, but nothing comes out because I hate crying in front of anyone.  I hate crying alone.

People tell me to think about all the good things I have in my life, like my son and my house, my cats, my family, my friends, my boyfriend. And I do… But it only makes me feel worse because I feel like such a burden on all of them.  Like I’m failing them.  I do not drive. I don’t have a car, and living in the USA in a suburban area without a car makes a person extremely isolated.  I hate asking people for rides… it’s not their job, they are not my taxi.  And I can’t afford a taxi…

Everyday just gets worse.  Everyday something happens in the world, in the country, in my neighborhood that makes me sadder.  I start thinking how horrible the human race has become and how much better this planet would be without it… without me.  I am but one person, who no one wants to listen to, who cannot help end world hunger or the economic crisis or fix the corruption of man kind as a whole, because so many do not see just how corrupt we have become.

We glamorize fame and fortune and make our children become money obsessed, greedy, shallow people.  People become famous for being uneducated, and it appalls me that so many people in this country cater to that kind of behavior.

Our world has become a twisted version of the Hunger Games.  Only a death at the end of the show would be welcomed bonus. Or at the very least, the opportunity for a proper education.